No parent sets out wanting to be trapped in a battle of wills with their children, or to find themselves tangled in an emotional 'grid lock' with them either. Even so, families often find themselves at odds; and it can have a very real impact on both parents and children. However, there are many things parents can do, to improve the situation and facilitate healing in their relationship with their children.

Many methods involve affecting the situation via tangible external actions. These actions can include: establishing firm parameters with children; engaging in clear and open communication; implementing consequences for unacceptable behaviour; and praising desired behaviour. All of these parenting tools are highly effective, particularly when used all together. Sometimes, a parent will summarise a 'problem' displayed by their child, as unhelpful. The parent can be quick to affect change through action and potentially miss the opportunity for internal, personal reflection. Introspection can sometimes generate insights they would not otherwise have gained, had they solely employed

'action' to generate change.

Consider the scenario of a parent who notices that one of their children continually bullies or criticises their sibling. The parent decides to apply a self-reflective technique called 'owning projections'. The parent reflects on their relationship with their child and explores whether they are 'role-modelling' the same attitude or behaviour that they see in their child. Applying this simple process, could help the parent to realise that the child is simply reflecting the critical thoughts they have, about their child's behaviour toward their sibling.At first, it can shock or surprise parents, to find that children mirror back to them, their very own beliefs, attitudes and behaviours. However children often observe and mirror their parents' feelings, thoughts and behaviours; regardless of whether parents are role- modelling these patterns knowingly or unknowingly.It is a known fact that children learn their patterns of thought and behaviour from those around them. All families have patterns. Many are passed on generationally, but others emerge in response to new situations or stressors.

Most families have a combination of positive healthy patterns and negative unhealthy habits. Children are far more sensitive to verbal and non verbal cues projected by adults, than adults are to one another's. At times, children's innate ability to pick up on overt and covert patterns displayed by parents, can be unnerving.Armed with this knowledge, parents can decide to address the problem via a more integrative approach. When parents are aware of how receptive their children are to their patterns, they can consciously decide to stop 'feeding the flames'. Parents can change their internal patterns through learning to 'parent themselves' by changing their own behaviour patterns. Parents can nurture and guide the aspects of themselves that are calling to them for attention, or that need to evolve and change.As an example, when parents feel tired, they often observe heightened restlessness or irritability mirrored in their children. Parents can apply their parenting skills to nurture the aspect of themselves that feels tired; perhaps by resting or engaging in a peaceful activity.

Children's advanced 'antennae' will enable them to hone in to the change and to transmit those qualities too. By taking responsibility for their 'projections', parents can nurture new behavioural and attitudinal patterns within themselves. Any change made to a parents internal landscape, can generate new patterns that are broadcast outwardly to children. In this way, parents can quickly elevate their relationships, onto a new positive platform.

'Owning projections' is an easy and valuable technique that can provide helpful insights to guide parents in affecting change. It's most effective when parents can maintain an objective and non-judgemental approach. It is not intended to position blame, guilt or judgement on anyone. It's simply a tool that can help parents to uncover potentially unrealised patterns that are occurring interpersonally, within the family. It might also help parents to reach more direct positive outcomes and effective resolutions with their children.

Marina Tsioumanis. Award-Winning Author of 'Mum and Dad Are Separating'.

TrackBack URI for this entry

Comments (0)

Subscribe to this comment's feed