What are the top 10 phobias. Google it and you'll find that almost all the lists contain most of the usual suspects: fear of spiders, heights, open spaces, confined spaces, death... Oh, yes, and fear of situations that are of the social kind. Theofficialtermissociophobia.

Sociophobia manifests in varying degrees. Perhaps someone you know dresses to the perceived dictates of others- “I couldn't wear that: what would people think?”

The alternate manifestation is to draw attention deliberately – it was a good idea at the time – only to lament on reflection “I shouldn't have worn that: what will people think?”

Here's my two top sociophobic experiences over the recent Festive Season and New Year: 1. Fear that the presents I gave would not be considered 'good enough' by the recipients;

2. Fear that on one occasion, the ingestion of wine at a particularly spirited party encouraged a level of gregariousness that, while relatively modest, would indicate to others that I had abandoned total self-discipline.

Now it's your turn to take your pen and list your top two sociophobic experiences:

1.________________________

2.________________________

Of course there are people with sufficient ego strength to consider others' opinions irrelevant. Their mantra is: 'what you think of me is none of my business'.

They hold that view whether it's about what they wear; what they do; or what they say. If you do not have one or two on your list, this may be you.

Most of us, however, are not so robust. We worry and agonise over our actions.

It's not really about others though. It's really about what we think. All of those convenient others just act like the screen onto which we project our innermost thoughts and values – even if we are not always consciously aware of them ourselves.

When I reflect on my fear number one, it has nothing to do with the recipients. They appreciate thoughtfulness before monetary value. It's really about my judgement on my generosity towards those I love. This is important because generosity is a value I hold very dear, as is the love I have for these people.

Fear number two is not about any other partygoer. As close friends of my host, they are, by definition, lovely people predisposed to camaraderie rather than condemnation. It's really about my

judgement on my behaviour and my lack of self-permission to 'let my hair down' without self-recrimination. This is important because self-control is a value I hold very dear; as is my resourcefulness in living in integrity with the models I develop to enhance self- improvement. We will leave the potential issue of perfection for another issue...

Yet as uncomfortable as these judgements may be to reconcile, resulting discomforts also have value. They reinforce the salience of giving from the heart and assist in instilling behavioural boundaries that preserve self-respect.

So when is it not about you or me? It's when what we have to offer is about so much more than you or me. How is it, then, that even when our message and our contribution are so much greater than ourselves, we lack sufficient resourcefulness to convey it? Not in our capacity, but in our resourcefulness. The difference lies in ego strength.

Recently I witnessed a presenter invite an entrepreneurial and very successful business woman, whom I admire greatly, to share information about her work with the audience. This was a brilliant opportunity to promote both her message and the vital contribution she is making to humanity.

I anticipated a powerful delivery. However, this was not forthcoming.

She possesses the capacity because she has voice, presence and social grace – in informal social situations. Her resourcefulness to call upon these strengths in a formal social environment can only continue to become more robust with increasing exposure; with increasing self-confidence; and, critically, with the unbridled belief that what she has to offer is a contribution to humanity profoundly worthwhile.

It's about so much more than any one individual. What did I learn from watching this presentation? I saw myself (projection being what it is) in situations where I lost my voice, just as I was called upon to speak at metaphorical volume. I heard the self-talk that has, erroneously, put me at the epicentre of something much greater and saw my resulting performance. It was not unlike the one I was witnessing. And it was for similar reasons. Robust ego strength both is founded on and developed by resourceful thinking.

It begins by letting go of it being 'all about me'.

Because it's not about you – no, really.

Sandra Walden-Pearson

TrackBack URI for this entry

Comments (0)

Subscribe to this comment's feed