Have you ever watched other people in a social setting, say, in a café? Often you can tell, without hearing anything they are saying, whether they are good friends or just acquaintances, whether they really like each other or are having a disagreement. Just think about how you know. What are you noticing that enables you to make such distinctions?
Your subconscious mind is tuning in to their body language. It is interpreting the situation based on numerous subtle signals. Your mind is an expert at reading these clues and it is always monitoring other people’s facial expressions, gestures and postures for clues as to how they are feeling. It is also sending out signals to them through your own body language. There is a whole other layer of communication being carried out below our conscious awareness. In fact, it is now thought that this is how most of our communication is relayed – 55% of what we are really saying is communicated through our body language and facial expressions.

Rapport is the recognition and mutual acceptance that exists between people who like each other and who communicate easily. We generally have rapport with our friends and close family but we can learn to build rapport with anybody. This is a valuable skill that can be used to improve both personal and business relationships.
We have looked at how to match people’s language to improve communication and build rapport. When talking on the phone or face-to-face, you can also match the volume, speed and tone of their voice. Is the person you are talking to speaking slowly or fast? Is their voice high or low, loud or soft? Don’t do anything that does not sound natural for your voice but as far as possible try to match those characteristics of their voice. So if the person you are talking to has a soft, low-pitched voice and speaks slowly then you would allow your voice to drop to your lower range and speak quietly and slowly.

If they sound excited, you should also sound excited, if they sound concerned, match their level of concern. When you do this you are saying to the other person that you are on their wavelength, you see things their way, you understand, you feel the same as them! Exceptions to this would be tones of anger or pessimism. Maintain your own tone of voice when talking to somebody who is showing these emotions.

When you are face to face with somebody, your body language is the most important component of your communication. Remember that only 7% of our communication is through the words we use. 38% is conveyed through the tone of the voice and 55% through body language and facial expressions.

When somebody smiles at us, we smile back. If somebody looks sad we often adopt a sympathetic expression. The best way to tap into this unconscious process is just to imagine that the person you are talking to is one of your closest friends. When you do this, your speech and body language will automatically change. Their unconscious awareness will pick up these subtle signals and start responding. The person will feel warmer towards you. Be genuinely interested in them and how they experience the world. Ask them questions and really listen to their answers. Try to find something that you have in common that you can discuss.

Become aware of the other person’s rate of breathing. If they are breathing slowly, then slow your breathing down to the same rate. People who are in rapport with each other tend to breath in the same rhythm. You can try this one with babies or children. If the baby or child is upset, their rate of breathing will be fast. First match your breathing rate to theirs. Do this for thirty seconds or so. Then start to slow your breathing down. The child’s breathing will also slow down, enabling them to calm down. If their breathing doesn’t slow down, just match theirs again for longer and then repeat the exercise.
Spend some time watching others. When a group of people are in rapport with each other, you might notice that when one person changes position, maybe leaning forward, the others all do the same, generally within a few seconds. This is an indicator of rapport and you can start to do this consciously but it must be subtle. Start to match the body language patterns. Sit in a similar position – if the person has their legs crossed you can cross yours. If they lean forward, you lean forward – remember to be subtle! Match the position of their arms or the tilt of their head. If they change position, you follow their lead after a few seconds.

You can test for rapport by changing your body position. If rapport is present, the other person will follow your lead and change their position, usually within 20 to 60 seconds.

Practise with a friend or in situations where the outcome is not important. Don’t become so focused on matching body language, voice and word patterns that you lose track of what you are saying!

A word of warning – don’t try to interpret the other person’s body language. You only need to match it. Trying to read another person’s feelings through their body language is open to all kinds of difficulties. I often read that crossed arms is a sign of defensiveness. While it may be, it could also be a sign of feeling cold or a habitual way of standing. In Scotland, where I grew up, you would often see groups of women chatting, all standing with their arms crossed. Often these were neighbours and friends and I think it was just a habitual way of standing although they may also have been cold!
There are other ways that you can use your own body language to build rapport. To convey your interest in what somebody is saying, lean forward slightly, keep your body still and keep your gaze fixed on the other person. Nod your head slowly and make small sounds of agreement such as ‘uh, huh’ and ‘mmm’. To show curiosity, tilt your head slightly to one side; to show concentration, furrow your brows. Tapping or shuffling your feet can convey boredom so keep your feet still!
Not only are these tools useful in business, they are useful in dealing with family situations. Some children take longer than others to develop skills at reading body language. As you develop your own understanding of body language, you can help them to become more aware of this important skill.

Remember to imagine that the person you are talking to is an old friend and notice the magic that you start to build in the relationship!

TrackBack URI for this entry

Comments (0)

Subscribe to this comment's feed