Many adults have memories of growing up in households with very strict rules. In their youth they often felt encumbered by the tight boundaries around them. They felt that the only way to gain any sense of personal freedom and self-expression was to push hard and rebel against the inflexible parameters imposed by their parents.  

Today, these adults are parents themselves. Many of them have decided to parent differently to the way in which they were parented. They don’t want their children to feel as repressed as they were. They want their children to enjoy life and to have experiences that they weren’t given the freedom to have.

Sometimes however parents can overcompensate. On the surface, it could appear that they are merely giving their children ‘too much of a good thing’. In reality, they are establishing an unhealthy parenting framework that can have many serious implications on a developing child.

Children rely on parents to provide two equally important things: nurturing and structure. Structure refers to routines, boundaries, rules and predictability. Nurturing refers to caring, love, support, closeness and belonging.

Parents who were raised with too much structure and not enough nurture, can focus so much on nurturing their children that they forget about structure. This imbalance often stems from the parents’ own desire to be ‘liked’ by their children, rather than ‘respected’ by them. Very often this results in children who are overindulged!

One way in which parents overindulge their children is by attempting to become their children’s friend or ‘buddy’ rather than their parent.

This can be seen when parents allow children to do as they wish, stay up late, eat ‘junk’ food, break rules, run away from chores, deflect their responsibilities, etc. It also occurs when parents buy children gifts to excess.

Giving ‘free-reign’ to children does not serve children’s best interests. In order to help children to develop healthy self esteem and to experience an internal sense of safety and security, parents must be willing to implement sufficient boundaries. Structures such as rules and predictability help children to feel safe. They act as an invisible comfort zone in which children can explore life safely.

Parents could find it useful to re-frame their opinions of caring and structure. Rather than perceiving them as two opposed forces, it could be more helpful to view them as two agents that work most effectively in synergy.

For personal freedom to be effective, it needs to be contained within some structures and parameters.

Parents can benefit from looking at boundaries as a healthy and normal part of life, for children and adults alike. They help people to function in society productively and responsibly. They help us to develop healthy levels of compliance, for our own safety and wellbeing and that of others.

When children grow up with caring and structure, they are given the opportunity to feel loved whilst also learning about responsibility. Children need to know that actions have consequences and that freedom has limits. It is wise for parents to outline limits to children and to inform them of the consequences of breaching the limits. It is advisable for parents to review limits periodically and to extend them as children grow.

A flexible approach is often best. If parents are willing to extend boundaries as their children expand and mature, then children can continue to feel safe without feeling stifled or repressed. Depending on the child’s age, parents could invite older children and teens to participate in the negotiation of new structures and responsibilities.

It is natural for children to test the limits now and again. Children need to check that boundaries are still in place.  However, if children push hard against boundaries continually, it could be an indication that they have outgrown the existing structures. Parents could choose to review the parameters and reflect on ways in which they could be extended.

All children want to love and respect their parents. Children have many friends and buddies of their own. What children need from parents is a healthy balance between nurture and structure. Parents can embrace both aspects of parenting; to love and nurture their children, whilst also being responsible for providing guidance and safe parameters. When parents provide a balance of both, they are truly helping their children to thrive.


Marina Tsioumanis can be contacted at Levity Health Centre, Bondi Junction,
Sydney.                                                                                

Tel: (02) 9389 0278
or: www.levityhealth.com.au                                                                                  

Marina provides counselling to adults and children and a range of personal development seminars for the public. She delivers a range of training seminars to the corporate sector along with personal and workplace counselling services.                                                                                                              

She is the Author of the 2009 International Award-Winning book series ‘Mum and Dad Are Separating.‘   

Ask Marina a question @ www.tribemagazine.com.au

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